The map rotation is a helpful metaphor. I’ve been thinking about how certain theological frameworks can invert the map before anyone speaks. When forgiveness and accountability have already been framed as mutually exclusive, when unity is presented as the highest goal rather than a result of healthy community, the truth-teller doesn’t trigger the rotation because they’re already walking in a landscape that’s upside down. It makes the cost of speaking even higher, and the shame arrives with the impulse to speak, before you can even name why. I wonder if you’ve seen that pattern and whether you think it deserves its own name?
Your work has been an important part of how I’ve learned to name what I’ve experienced and witnessed. Thank you for continuing to write about it.
Thank you for continuing to put words to these patterns, for naming and giving language for how institutions add more abuse and trauma when truth is brought forth. Unfortunately this is my lived experience.
This entire series so far has been so good, but this one, in particular, feels like you've sat in the rooms I've sat in while desperately trying to salvage a connection to my former church of 26 years. Thank you for putting my jumbled thoughts into words, and for making known this particular method of harm that is, sadly, so common in religious institutions today. May your writing continue to bring healing to all those who read it.
Every survivor from a high-control religion knows all of this, but thank you for putting it into words. What I wish my younger self knew: If a person or org is determined to only see you one way? Walk away and tell the truth from a distance. You’ll never convince them to see or hear you while you’re still a part of their lives/church/org. Save yourself the heartache and energy.
Having well thought out language to describe lived experience is very important. Thank you for this article. I’m looking forward to sharing it with friends who have walked through the same path of confusion.
You described a situation that happened to me (and my daughter) with exacting precision at a church where I was on staff. My daughter was being groomed, I was being forced to reconcile, I said no because I didn’t do anything, so they “created” all my problems and I lost my job. I was then slandered and shamed from the pulpit, and physical letters went out to all the congregation telling a false story and naming my family while not naming the man in question. It was pretty horrible and we lost most of our “friends.”
Thank you for writing this so clearly and truthfully.
This is the clearest map of the mechanism I’ve read. The piece I’d add from the individual side: once shame has been transferred this skillfully, the truth-teller doesn’t just carry it, they start to believe it belongs to them. The exile is external, but the worst damage is the moment you begin to wonder if they’re right about you. Returning shame to its rightful place isn’t only an institutional act. It’s something the truth-teller has to do inside themselves, often for years.
Wade, thank you so much for writing this! Your article is the best description I have read so far of what my wife and I went through when I spoke truth to power in the ICOC. Your words are accurate on nearly every point. It’s so refreshing when one someone understands this evil and very destructive power dynamic.
Thank you for this post... for putting it all into words sk beautifully & thoroughly. The last paragraph made me tear up. The Lord used this post to validate my experiences and I'm sure He will use it in the lives of many others. God bless you
This series on reality bending has been so helpful because it has described my/our experiences of going forward to report the ministry at the church I attended and served in for almost 30 years. Although, I served in many leadership positions my character has been brought into question because I reported him to the board for ministerial standards and he lost his credentials.
The leadership has put myself and the two victims outside the circle of care and framed the pastor as the victim. Unfortunately, DRVO describes the situation perfectly.
It has a long journey of grief but we are coming out the other side and understand how the existing leadership has tried to silence us.
Thank you for your research and giving language to understanding how an abusive church system works.
I read your book, “Somethings not right” and it helped me tremendously. Additionally, while written by somebody else, I thought it was great paired with the bully pulpit. Here’s an article I wrote about my experience.
Survivor here. Thanks for writing this. I am familiar by now with these terrible dynamics. It is such a lonely road. Reading what you wrote makes me feel less alone in this. Thanks again
The map rotation is a helpful metaphor. I’ve been thinking about how certain theological frameworks can invert the map before anyone speaks. When forgiveness and accountability have already been framed as mutually exclusive, when unity is presented as the highest goal rather than a result of healthy community, the truth-teller doesn’t trigger the rotation because they’re already walking in a landscape that’s upside down. It makes the cost of speaking even higher, and the shame arrives with the impulse to speak, before you can even name why. I wonder if you’ve seen that pattern and whether you think it deserves its own name?
Your work has been an important part of how I’ve learned to name what I’ve experienced and witnessed. Thank you for continuing to write about it.
Thank you for continuing to put words to these patterns, for naming and giving language for how institutions add more abuse and trauma when truth is brought forth. Unfortunately this is my lived experience.
This entire series so far has been so good, but this one, in particular, feels like you've sat in the rooms I've sat in while desperately trying to salvage a connection to my former church of 26 years. Thank you for putting my jumbled thoughts into words, and for making known this particular method of harm that is, sadly, so common in religious institutions today. May your writing continue to bring healing to all those who read it.
Every survivor from a high-control religion knows all of this, but thank you for putting it into words. What I wish my younger self knew: If a person or org is determined to only see you one way? Walk away and tell the truth from a distance. You’ll never convince them to see or hear you while you’re still a part of their lives/church/org. Save yourself the heartache and energy.
Having well thought out language to describe lived experience is very important. Thank you for this article. I’m looking forward to sharing it with friends who have walked through the same path of confusion.
Really helpful. Thank you.
Thank you so much for writing this!
Word for word my family’s experience. Thank you for putting language to this.
I just commented on Wade’s article. And I said the same thing. Accurate nearly Word for Word.
You described a situation that happened to me (and my daughter) with exacting precision at a church where I was on staff. My daughter was being groomed, I was being forced to reconcile, I said no because I didn’t do anything, so they “created” all my problems and I lost my job. I was then slandered and shamed from the pulpit, and physical letters went out to all the congregation telling a false story and naming my family while not naming the man in question. It was pretty horrible and we lost most of our “friends.”
Thank you for writing this so clearly and truthfully.
Truth!! Thanks, Wade! ❤️
This is the clearest map of the mechanism I’ve read. The piece I’d add from the individual side: once shame has been transferred this skillfully, the truth-teller doesn’t just carry it, they start to believe it belongs to them. The exile is external, but the worst damage is the moment you begin to wonder if they’re right about you. Returning shame to its rightful place isn’t only an institutional act. It’s something the truth-teller has to do inside themselves, often for years.
The confusion caused by gaslighting is indeed very damaging and the road to recovery can be very long.
Wade, thank you so much for writing this! Your article is the best description I have read so far of what my wife and I went through when I spoke truth to power in the ICOC. Your words are accurate on nearly every point. It’s so refreshing when one someone understands this evil and very destructive power dynamic.
Thank you for this post... for putting it all into words sk beautifully & thoroughly. The last paragraph made me tear up. The Lord used this post to validate my experiences and I'm sure He will use it in the lives of many others. God bless you
This series on reality bending has been so helpful because it has described my/our experiences of going forward to report the ministry at the church I attended and served in for almost 30 years. Although, I served in many leadership positions my character has been brought into question because I reported him to the board for ministerial standards and he lost his credentials.
The leadership has put myself and the two victims outside the circle of care and framed the pastor as the victim. Unfortunately, DRVO describes the situation perfectly.
It has a long journey of grief but we are coming out the other side and understand how the existing leadership has tried to silence us.
Thank you for your research and giving language to understanding how an abusive church system works.
So sorry to hear of the pain you went through. May God grant you his peace and comfort.
I read your book, “Somethings not right” and it helped me tremendously. Additionally, while written by somebody else, I thought it was great paired with the bully pulpit. Here’s an article I wrote about my experience.
https://emilyauers.substack.com/p/when-faith-and-institution-dont-align?r=4olwy4&utm_medium=ios
Survivor here. Thanks for writing this. I am familiar by now with these terrible dynamics. It is such a lonely road. Reading what you wrote makes me feel less alone in this. Thanks again