When Self-Loathing is Self-Promotion

My last three posts have explored various self-promoting behaviors and how people build reputations and coerce trust by drawing attention to themselves, usually by bragging about their abilities and successes, basking in their positive connections, or cutting themselves off from people and events that might threaten that positive image. This last brief post in this series on self-promotion is about an unexpected yet common tactic: when self-loathing is self-promotion.

The Decameron, written in the 14th century by Giovanni Boccaccio, is a collection of 100 stories told amongst a group of friends trying to survive the Black Death together. The first story is of a crooked businessman whose last trick was to deceive the Church into granting him a Christian burial and sainthood. He accomplishes this by telling false confessions to a friar while on his deathbed. His confessions are told in such a way that the friar repeatedly compliments him for his contrition and holiness. He wails over having cursed his mother when he was a young boy, confesses to having been too tempted by food and drink while fasting, and admits that he once accidentally spit in church.

Then said the holy friar: “ Now is there aught else that thou hast done? ”

“ Yes, master friar, ” replied Ser Ciappelletto, “ once by inadvertence I spat in the church of God. ”

At this the friar began to smile, and said: “ My son, this is not a matter to trouble about; we, who are religious, spit there all day long. ”

“And great impiety it is when you so do, ” replied Ser Ciappelletto, “ for there is nothing that is so worthy to be kept from all impurity as the holy temple in which sacrifice is offered to God. ”

More he said in the same strain, which I pass over; and then at last he began to sigh, and by and by to weep bitterly, as he was well able to do when he chose.

The tale is summarized in this way:

Ser Ciappelletto cheats a holy friar by a false confession, and dies; and, having lived as a very bad man, is, on his death, reputed a saint, and called San Ciappelletto.

A deceptive person can use false humility, humble brags, partial confessions, and, like Ser Ciappelletto, even weep bitterly when it’s in their interest to do so.

What are those interests? I’d like to point out two that I’ve observed: (1) receiving praise and promotion, and (2) escaping accountability.

To Receive Praise and Promotion

Self-deprecating talk can be a set-up in that it puts the hearer on the spot to either agree, say nothing, or disagree. They are on a fishing trip for compliments and self-loathing is the bait. The person on the receiving end can feel as if they are being put to the test. They might believe the only acceptable response is to counteract the self-deprecating talk with praise and promotion. This kind of self-promotion becomes toxic when a person consistently uses these lines as if they are acting out a script to manipulate an audience response.

This behavior can be observed in leaders who seem to use self-deprecation as their go-to script for maintaining control over their audience. If a community places a premium on attributes like humility, brokenness, and vulnerability, then a person seeking power in that community might form their image around those attributes and then promote themselves as exemplars.

For example, Chuck DeGroat writes about the epidemic of what he calls “fauxnerability” in the church.

And this is what increasingly frightens me - the epidemic of fauxnerability - pastors (and many others) who are emotionally intelligent enough to share a general "messiness" about their lives (often in broad strokes admitting weakness and need), but who are radically out of touch with their true selves. They've dressed up the false self in a new garment - the garment of faux vulnerability, with the accompanying Gospel vocabulary of weakness, need, brokenness, dependence, idolatry and more. And they may be more dangerous than pastors who simply don't give a damn about living vulnerably.

In his article, Chuck DeGroat helpfully provides a number of signs of fauxnerability to be on the lookout for. One of the most common signs in my experience is hearing general and vague references to sinfulness and unworthiness but never any specific confessions of wrongs or acknowledgement of people personally harmed. If there are any specifics, they are from the distant past or selectively chosen.

The danger is that people in positions of trust might turn these attributes into a brand and go into the business of selling a false humility in order to get something for themselves. They provide enough to maintain the brand but not so much as to threaten the power the brand has purchased for them.

To Escape Accountability

Another interest might be the desire to lower exceptions people have of them, to create a ready-made excuse for any future wrongs, and to ensure that any criticizing parties will be seen as self-righteous, merciless, and unfairly piling on - all in an effort to escape accountability.

Habitual self-promotion turns into unrelenting defensiveness whenever the goal of the manipulator isn’t being met. Therefore, one of the signs that a person might be displaying false humility is how they respond whenever they do not get their way or they are confronted and exposed. Do they avoid specifics? Do they demand quick acceptance? Do they attack and discredit legitimate concerns by seeking to label others as self-righteous, judgmental, and bitter? Do they withhold from those they perceive as threats the very benefit of the doubt they feel entitled to themselves?

In the worst-case scenarios I’ve come across, perpetrators of abuse dial up the sounds of brokenness after being exposed in order to escape penalty and retain or regain their power over others. They want to appear more contrite than they really are while telling a false narrative that makes them appear less of a danger than they really are. Others see their “repentance” as a sign of change, believe them to be entitled to restoration, and the perpetrator then goes onto abuse again. Along the way, the truth about the scope and severity of the abuse is kept hidden and victims are betrayed and wounded by a community that views them as simply unforgiving and unable to “move on.”

Identifying Truth and Practicing Specific Confession

One of the best safeguards against the deception of a person in a position of trust using false humility to escape accountability is to insist on the full truth whenever it’s possible to determine the truth. Had the friar spoken to those Ser Ciappelletto had cheated throughout his life, he would have known he was receiving a false confession.

And one of the best preventions against this form of self-promotion taking root, both at the individual-level and the community-level, is to practice specific confession: naming wrongs accurately and acknowledging actual impact on persons. It’s better to admit specific wrongs to specific people when offenses are committed than to constantly advertise to a general audience one’s general awfulness - especially if that self-loathing is simply self-promotion in disguise.