The part I see most from the counseling room is what happens after enough exposure: the phrases install themselves. The system eventually needs no spokesman, because the person does the recasting alone. Fear arrives and they hear “where is your faith” in their own voice before anyone speaks. Grief surfaces and they accuse themselves of refusing to move on. The gaslight becomes self-administering, which is why leaving the environment ends the messaging but not the mechanism. Recovery asks for something slower than exit: relearning to receive your own alarms as witnesses again. Your inventory practice names the counter-move exactly. The alarm was testifying all along. Witnesses can be recalled.
Thanks, Ryan for these insights from your experience helping people facing this kind of gaslighting. I especially appreciate your distinction between leaving the environment and the slower recovery process of relearning to trust one's own alarms again.
I have appreciated this series--and all of your work--so much as I have walked through a difficult season. Thank you for bringing clarity and compassion when the world is tipped upside down.
Thank you, Heather. I'm glad the series has been helpful to you during a difficult time and has brought some clarity even while the landscape is turned upside down. I hope you continue to find support and understanding.
Will you be publishing these seven months of articles as a book. They are so clear and insightful as we consider some of our experiences in specific churches.
Thank you, Michele. Yes, that's the hope. Many of the ideas from this series are included in a book I'm slowly working on, though they'll be expanded and woven together into a larger framework. I hope to share more as it develops.
I have heard raising concerns described as uncollegial, inappropriate communication, and insubordinate. Even speaking up to protect human life was described as inappropriate. This is very helpful.
It is strange the level to which you understand the very situation we walked through. We, and past co workers, were committed to speaking up out of desire for truth and grace, to be met with the very things you warn about. It is so important to know we are not alone and your work has been shared in the hopes others will find it as comforting as I have. Thank you!
Thank you for sharing, Melody. One of my hopes in writing this series has been to help people feel less alone and to know that these patterns are, sadly, more common than many realize. I'm grateful you've shared it with others.
I recall Hassan's work on cult environments, which he characterised by the BITE acronym: control of Behaviour, Information, Thought and Emotion. This recasting of emotions and the concept of concealed stigmas shows one way of controlling emotions. Fascinating, especially that concept of concealed stigmas
Emotions are not infallible, but neither are they evidence of spiritual failure. Fear, anger, grief, and empathy may be warning lights pointing toward danger, injustice, loss, or suffering. Healthy leadership examines both the emotion and what caused it. Manipulative leadership condemns the alarm so it never has to answer for the fire.
This is exactly what happens to all of us, like canaries in coal mines. The prophets are never well received in their home towns, right? The church must be better. May it be. 🙏🏻
Thank-you for sharing these necessary and helpful insights over this series. Personally, your words have been immensely helpful to me as I continue to navigate through and out of injustice, unrighteousness, the false narrative of those perpetrating it, and the deafening silence of many around.
Thank you, Alan. I'm grateful the series has been helpful to you as you've navigated a difficult road. I hope it continues to provide language and orientation as you find your way forward.
These are helpful questions: “What danger might fear be trying to draw my attention toward? What injustice is my anger refusing to ignore? What has been lost that deserves to be named and mourned? What keeps drawing me toward the suffering of another? What burden have they been carrying that perhaps no one else has been willing to see? “. Thank you
Thank you for this series!! Having read Something's Not Right years ago while contemplating leaving a toxic environment I have greatly appreciated this further education. I have seen the ways in played out in personal relationships and the environment that was left. You have laid bare things that cannot be unseen and I am grateful.
The part I see most from the counseling room is what happens after enough exposure: the phrases install themselves. The system eventually needs no spokesman, because the person does the recasting alone. Fear arrives and they hear “where is your faith” in their own voice before anyone speaks. Grief surfaces and they accuse themselves of refusing to move on. The gaslight becomes self-administering, which is why leaving the environment ends the messaging but not the mechanism. Recovery asks for something slower than exit: relearning to receive your own alarms as witnesses again. Your inventory practice names the counter-move exactly. The alarm was testifying all along. Witnesses can be recalled.
Thanks for sharing!
Thanks, Ryan for these insights from your experience helping people facing this kind of gaslighting. I especially appreciate your distinction between leaving the environment and the slower recovery process of relearning to trust one's own alarms again.
Happy to contribute… Thanks for engaging! 👍🏻🙌🏻
The phrases install themselves.”
I have appreciated this series--and all of your work--so much as I have walked through a difficult season. Thank you for bringing clarity and compassion when the world is tipped upside down.
Thank you, Heather. I'm glad the series has been helpful to you during a difficult time and has brought some clarity even while the landscape is turned upside down. I hope you continue to find support and understanding.
Will you be publishing these seven months of articles as a book. They are so clear and insightful as we consider some of our experiences in specific churches.
Thank you, Michele. Yes, that's the hope. Many of the ideas from this series are included in a book I'm slowly working on, though they'll be expanded and woven together into a larger framework. I hope to share more as it develops.
I have heard raising concerns described as uncollegial, inappropriate communication, and insubordinate. Even speaking up to protect human life was described as inappropriate. This is very helpful.
It is strange the level to which you understand the very situation we walked through. We, and past co workers, were committed to speaking up out of desire for truth and grace, to be met with the very things you warn about. It is so important to know we are not alone and your work has been shared in the hopes others will find it as comforting as I have. Thank you!
Thank you for sharing, Melody. One of my hopes in writing this series has been to help people feel less alone and to know that these patterns are, sadly, more common than many realize. I'm grateful you've shared it with others.
I recall Hassan's work on cult environments, which he characterised by the BITE acronym: control of Behaviour, Information, Thought and Emotion. This recasting of emotions and the concept of concealed stigmas shows one way of controlling emotions. Fascinating, especially that concept of concealed stigmas
Thank you, Catherine. I appreciate the connection to Hassan's work and his frameworks and education on these subjects.
Emotions are not infallible, but neither are they evidence of spiritual failure. Fear, anger, grief, and empathy may be warning lights pointing toward danger, injustice, loss, or suffering. Healthy leadership examines both the emotion and what caused it. Manipulative leadership condemns the alarm so it never has to answer for the fire.
This is exactly what happens to all of us, like canaries in coal mines. The prophets are never well received in their home towns, right? The church must be better. May it be. 🙏🏻
Thank-you for sharing these necessary and helpful insights over this series. Personally, your words have been immensely helpful to me as I continue to navigate through and out of injustice, unrighteousness, the false narrative of those perpetrating it, and the deafening silence of many around.
Thank you, Alan. I'm grateful the series has been helpful to you as you've navigated a difficult road. I hope it continues to provide language and orientation as you find your way forward.
Really appreciate all your work in this field, thank you.
I feel so seen from this post ♥️
Physical sensations with each line. Noticeably less tense by the end. I can’t wait to read it again after a night’s sleep!
Thank you Coleigh. I'm glad it resonates with you in a way that brings validation and calm.
These are helpful questions: “What danger might fear be trying to draw my attention toward? What injustice is my anger refusing to ignore? What has been lost that deserves to be named and mourned? What keeps drawing me toward the suffering of another? What burden have they been carrying that perhaps no one else has been willing to see? “. Thank you
❤️
Thank you for these many great insights.
Great insights! Thanks. It is much easier to figure out what is going on when previously explained what might happen.
Thank you. I'm hoping that having language for these patterns helps empower people to recognize and respond when they encounter them.
Thank you for this series!! Having read Something's Not Right years ago while contemplating leaving a toxic environment I have greatly appreciated this further education. I have seen the ways in played out in personal relationships and the environment that was left. You have laid bare things that cannot be unseen and I am grateful.