Too often the words “We are sorry” are casually offered and easily accepted as if they possess a supernatural power to resolve every grievance and heal any wound. Yet, in my experience working with abuses in organizations, this short statement, offered as a bridge of reconciliation, is often surrounded by other messages that serve a very different purpose. Above, underneath, and all around this single bridge are numerous walls of defense. These walls are established to repel the shame that threatens from without and to protect the legitimacy hoarded within, ensuring that the bridge of apology allows no shame to enter and no legitimacy to exit.
It's equally disturbing when no apology is given whatsoever, dehumanizing the person harmed. An example was one I experienced; the severe impact of an abuser who was also a fraud, was ignored by a senior administrator being questioned by a reporter, who asked what the university was intending to do about the harm people suffered. His statement deflected the question by attrubuting the harm done to human beings as 'collateral damage'.
Brad Barber’s recent post about his role in the amicus brief is an example of an apology that asks for sympathy.
He didn’t actually say he was asking for sympathy; but because he wrote so much about how busy he was and how the demands of his job and the demands of the legal firm (“You must sign this today!”) didn’t allow him to give proper attention to the amicus brief, Brad was in essence asking for sympathy.
It's equally disturbing when no apology is given whatsoever, dehumanizing the person harmed. An example was one I experienced; the severe impact of an abuser who was also a fraud, was ignored by a senior administrator being questioned by a reporter, who asked what the university was intending to do about the harm people suffered. His statement deflected the question by attrubuting the harm done to human beings as 'collateral damage'.
Brad Barber’s recent post about his role in the amicus brief is an example of an apology that asks for sympathy.
He didn’t actually say he was asking for sympathy; but because he wrote so much about how busy he was and how the demands of his job and the demands of the legal firm (“You must sign this today!”) didn’t allow him to give proper attention to the amicus brief, Brad was in essence asking for sympathy.
Wade, thank you for continuing to shine a light on these issues.